Live, Love and Let Go

As the sun-scorched the farm land ahead, leaving a white blazed trail of rays in its path, I found myself wondering what had happened?

Heat I had yet to experience. A negative mindset I wasn’t able to release. A physical pain embodying my every move. Excitement for reaching 1,130 miles on trail, yet discouragement about the 1,000 miles left to explore. Sadness for the great possibility of departure from a life I connected with so deeply. Many thoughts ran through my mind, as I entered the town of Boiling Springs, PA and became acutely aware of the strong possibility of this day being my last.

For the past three months I had been so in love with life on trail. I’m not sure what had changed and confused why it had, but my mind and heart were not in the same place. I set forth on hiking the Appalachian Trail for many reasons. With my love for nature and passion for hiking, mixed with a calling to run away from various situations, I found myself living a life filled with exploration and discovery. This is all I thought I wanted, to live independently and away from the materialistic world, while having unlimited time to reflect and think about the choices I have made.

I guess I hit a point where I didn’t want to do it anymore. A large part of my mind and heart wanted to go all the way….to do what only a small percentage of people have been able to accomplish. This feeling wasn’t enough to keep me living on trail though. With worries about life back “home” I found my mind burdened with the feeling of not wanting to hike anymore. Mixed with all these emotions, there was also the fact of my physical body shutting down. How is it possible that a person young, healthy, and fit was not able to accomplish such a challenge? With every step I took I felt discomfort, which ended up turning into pain.

I am a very physical person. I require a constant kinesthetic lifestyle to bring happiness into my day-to-day life. Was it worth the title of an AT Thru Hiker if that meant ruining the vessel that carried me for the many months or even years to come?

(oh the boulders I passed 🙂 I was lucky enough to hike through a beautiful boulder maze, followed by my first farm land on my very last day!)

As July 7th rolled around, I found myself in hysterics. A constant flow of a leaking face as the morning rolled into evening. The people I came across, maybe never to be seen again. I’m so happy to say, I was lucky enough to spend my last days with wonderful friends, Blossom and Mowgli. These two hiking, climbing, and overall outdoor enthusiasts  softened the intense blow of leaving the world I love very much.

(shout out to this beautiful trail angel who welcomed us into her home for a night, provided us with showers, then proceeded to drop us off at the trail head…this world is filled with kind and caring people.)

Life after trail–very challenging.

I recently told a friend back in New England of the challenges in my life the first couple weeks after getting off trail. I felt out-of-place and disconnected. I was cautious about the trail of waste I left behind or lack there of. The sudden blow to my body of hiking roughly 15 miles a day to hitting the breaks and staying immobile confused my physical self. Foods I had been craving for months, vegetables and fruits, ripped my insides apart. The ashamed and embarrassing emotions I felt from not completing what in my heart I thought I would have, lead me to mixed feelings about the previous months I had lived. The horror of facing those back in New England after my “failed” attempt of Thru Hiking, brought anxiety and sadness to my previously healthy and strong mind. So many thoughts, mostly negative, ran through my head during my transition back into the “real” world. As all this was going on, I kept reminding myself of the growth I had discovered and the promise I made to myself; stay connected with my lessons learned and continue to grow and experience.

None of my passions had changed. I still love hiking, climbing, routesetting, dance, and working with children. Creativity and movement being two things that are the spine of my existence. Where could I go to mix all my passions in one life, while still having the ability to connect with nature and a community that was similar to trail. My Newburyport, MA community had been so amazing to me, as this was one place that left me feeling connected to the location I had lived in for 26 years. Change was needed though…for my growth…happiness…and continued pursuit to fill the void I had yet been able to do.

I stepped away from the trail with personal growth. The confidence to stand by the choices I make, accompanied by the awareness of relationships in my life (both damaging and healthy).

I love my people; my friends.my family.my co-workers. my crew. Moving locations of living has nothing to do with removing myself from these people I call family, yet has everything to do with a continued discovery of who I am.

I moved north to continue a pursuit of a life that leaves me feeling whole. Life on trail was definitely the most amazing experience I have had to date. It was possible because of all the support, both financially and emotionally, given by so many loved ones in my life. Thank you to everyone who was there for me. This opportunity truthfully guided me to become a better version of myself.

My passion to complete the exploration and discovery of the last 1,000 northern miles of the Appalachian Trail is definitely something I will accomplish. Along with the last 8 summits within the 4,000 footers in New Hampshire I have left to hike, accompanied by the remaining 4,000 footers in New England. As the passing days merge into years, I will be sure to make time to accomplish what I have left to explore.

(Personal and caring artwork welcoming me back, from the women who gave me life xo)

For now I will reside in Vermont, also known as the Green Mountain State. The land of community and organic living. While creating a life mixed with human connection, movement, and creativity, I will also continue to explore the life of outdoor activities.

Loads of love to all my friends, family, co-workers, and strangers I have had the privilege of connecting with. I cannot stress enough how important all the support was for my long distance hike.

Time to smile instead of frown, love instead of hate, support instead of put down, and respect and appreciate the life that has been given to us. Keep on following your path of happiness.

Loads of love ~ Chia aka Renée